Army Announces SNCOs Can Suck in Gut for Tape Test

Fort Belvoir – In an attempt to correct the Army’s high volume of overweight Senior NCOs, Army Regulation 600-9 has been revised to give exception to enlisted soldiers in the rank of E7 and above and allow them to suck in their gut when they’re given a tape test. Army spokesperson MAJ Gilda Higgins stated, “we were at an impasse trying to decide how to bring change to so many overweight enlisted leaders. We discussed kicking them out per regulation, but then we realized we’d have a hollow army. There’s just too many of them to kick them all out. We’ve given up on attempting to instill discipline and create a culture that actually cares about their fitness and appearance, so we decided to fix the problem on paper. That’s what commanders really want anyways, right? As long as that slide shows all green, everyone is satisfied.” Priority for a paper army, over an army that actually has fit troops who can close with and engage the enemy in combat, may not be ideal in a wartime scenario, but it’s exactly what Field Grade Officers, who are often more concerned with their evaluations than anything else, have asked for. At the time of publishing, we heard a LTC next door shriek, “yes, I can finally have the battalion I’ve always wanted! Take that, Marine Corps!”
 

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