Fort Jackson, SC – After the Army recently decided to do away with the requirement for any kind of physical fitness testing across the entire force, the decision to allow personnel to “pencil whip” their PFT score cards, with whatever number they think they probably would have received if they actually took the test, was adopted and signed off on by Chief of Staff of the Army GEN McConville.
“Our senior leaders have been using this method for decades and have had tremendous success” stated LTC Willey, Army spokesperson for Standards and Training at Fort Jackson. “Standards have clearly been maintained in every corner of our Army due to the integrity our leaders have shown while falsely filling out their own scorecards with as accurate of a guess as possible, so we feel our junior soldiers will demonstrate the same unfailing standards through proper mentorship and guidance. After all, we still have to have some kind of metric to assess a soldier’s ability to lead and their potential for promotion.”
Army leadership is so sure of the success of their new policy, they have gambled the next couple of years of US national security against the idea that training should be made easier, discipline can afford to be reduced, and more people should be allowed to wear the uniform of a soldier than ever before. When asked if he knew what the term “larping” meant, LTC Willey stated he did not and would have to get back to us on the matter at a later time.